Stormy Seas

For me, it is always easy to be Christian when things are going well. It is easy to remain calm when the situations around us are calm.

How do you stay calm in the midst of a tempest?

There in for me lies a tremendous challenge. How do I keep control of my emotions, my anger and my dark side when I am in the midst of a storm? How do I continue to chart the course? For if the captain of the ship gives in to panic, well then all is certainly lost.

Today, in the midst of a particular storm, I quietly said a pray to our Lady. A simple "Hail Mary", that as my mother she would intercede on my behalf and wrap her loving arms around me. Help me to be the peacemaker in the situation and not additional kindling.

There was a time when I would have fought anger with anger, and been selfish and arrogant (and yes, I know I can still be both). But, I do feel much more inner calm now, and the ability to better weather the storms. The seas are still rough, but the sea sickness is gone.

On a more upbeat note, I read an interesting article in the paper today. It was by Leon Pitts, Jr. of the Miami Herald. I don't usually agree with his position...he tends to be morally relativistic and liberal...neither fitting my beliefs.

But today he was spot on in his discussion on Men and Fatherhood. He wrote about the role of men in the family, and how modern society has done its best to eradicate it. About how society has defined equality as men and women being interchangeable...nothing could be further from the truth. Mr. Pitts wrote about how his son had gone out in a snow storm for diapers and baby food. Mr. Pitts was impressed about how his son had turned into a man, about how a father's role was to take care of his family, about how men are needed. Fathers are needed.

Mr. Pitts...you are spot on.

I have copied it here...

By LEONARD PITTS JR.
lpitts@MiamiHerald.com

``... And -- which is more -- you'll be a man, my son!'' -- from ``If'' by Rudyard Kipling

Lena had a fever.

It had spiked to 104 degrees and brought with it seizures, spasms of movement that terrified her parents. They called 911.

But paramedics could not reach their door; the epic blizzard raking greater Washington, had rendered their hillside street impassable. So Lena's parents bundled her up and walked her down. They rode with her in the ambulance through a city leached of color -- no more vibrant reds, blues or greens, just the stark gray of the sky and the brilliant white of the snow.

Snow changes the world. It muffles sound, softens hard angles into graceful curves, drives people inside. Snow imposes a stillness. As they crossed this desolate new landscape, Lena's parents had plenty of time to worry.

Thankfully, doctors were able to bring the fever down. But then, Lena's parents realized a new problem; they were stranded at the hospital in a city that had ceased to move. Worse, they were stranded without diapers and baby food that, in their rush, they had left at home. Nor could they borrow any from the hospital, which said its own supplies were low. So Lena's father had just one option.

I happened to catch him on his cellphone a few minutes later. His breathing was ragged, and I asked him what was wrong. He said he was hiking through the storm -- it was a mile or two to the nearest store, the snow drifts already up to his knees -- hoping it would be open and that it would have diapers and baby food for his 11-month-old daughter.

I have seldom been prouder of any of my children than I was in that moment of my first-born son.

Meaning of manhood

We -- and here, I mean both he and I as father and son and you and I as a society -- have talked a lot in recent years about the meaning of manhood in an era of women ascendant and cracked glass ceilings. Some of us insist that meaning is found in a man's toughness, his imperviousness to slings and arrows and feelings like pain or love. Some believe it is found in a man's violence, his capacity to hit and kick with force, to shield and defend what matters to him. Some argue that it is found in a man's strength, his ability to lift and carry, to push and to break.

I've always felt none of those things matters unless they are in service to something that matters more. Like going for diapers in a horizontal snow.

I don't mean to mythologize or overpraise something that is, after all, just a father's duty. But it is hard not to feel a certain satisfaction when I consider how many fathers fail that duty, having been liberated from obligation by social mores that exact no price from the man who plants a garden, then disappears before the first sprouts show.

And when I wonder how many women were slogging through that same snowstorm, having bought into the lie that holds fathers as optional parents who contribute nothing to the family a determined woman can't replicate.

Owning up to responsibility

And when I remember the times I preached exasperated sermons to that same son for posturing and preening like something he saw in a rap video, walking with an unearned swagger and acting as if this made him a man. Growing older has changed him. Lena, I think, has changed him more. Owning responsibility for that vulnerable little life has forced him to reconsider manhood itself.

We used to have a saying: It takes a man to make a baby. I'm beginning to think that, at least for some of us, the opposite is true: It takes a baby to make a man.

Lena, by the way, is doing fine. I saw her the other day and, as usual, she climbed on me like a jungle gym. Then my son walked into the room and held out his arms. Lena forgot all about me. She grinned, both teeth on full display, and reached up for her dad.

Ignite 2010 - Wow!

Wow!

That is all I can say about today. Ignite 2010 was awesome! We had about 1,000 men there today. It was awe inspiring! I wish I were going to be here next year so I could attend again. We need more of that from the pulpit on Sundays, we need more of that from the church. Then again, we are called to action, so we men must be the ones who more it forward.

We started the day with Mass (celebrated by Rev. Robert J. Cunningham, Bishop of Syracuse), followed by a talk from Fr. Larry Richards. He was just what the doctor ordered. I bought a copy of his book called, "Be A Man". His talk was motivating, challenging, and a call to action! It was right up my alley with the discussion of the role of men in society, and how we need to stand up and truly set the example for our family to follow.

Then we had confession...I think almost every man in there went to confession. Wow, again! We wouldn't need 1/2 the psychiatrists we have if people went to confession on a regular basis...it was incredibly cathartic and humbling. I felt like my soul had a really good shower.

Then we had two more quest speakers, Jesse Romero and Sean Forrest. Both were awesome and inspiring as well.

Now I have some homework to do. Live the life for JOY "Jesus, Others, You"

I need to act so as to earn the trust and respect of my wife....God, Wife, Children, Others...in that order. Not Work, Self, God, Wife, Children.

I need to get a good copy of a Catholic Bible I can start carrying with me.
I need to write letters to those I love letting them know that I love them.
I need to "Be A Man" and stand up for what is right...set the example for my family.
I need to defend my family from the evil one.

And if that is not enough...I am still dealing with all of the failings and baggage I left with before the conference.

I am fired up now...but I still have lots of things to "fix" before I move forward.

My oldest is going to be my sharpening stone for my sword drills...she asks some fantastic questions, to which I do not have all of the answers. If someone has those answers, please send them to me. I know the Church has all of the answers, but getting to them rapidly can be difficult at times. I think they need a website with more data, more easily accessible.

But I digress...

Am I pointing her in the right direction? How do I help her to Christ? Isn't that what I am called to do as a Christian Father? How can I fail at my most basic task and still deserve to be called Father?

Ignite 2010

Today went well again! Of course I started the day with a prayer and managed to squeeze in a couple of Rosaries...always helps. I have definitely noticed that if I take time for God in the morning, and center my day on making it all a prayer offering to God, that everything seems to go according to a plan and I do not end up getting stress or "wrapped around the axle" about it.

Tomorrow is the Syracuse area Catholic Men's conference. I am very excited about going! It will be nice to be surrounded by other men who share my values, faith and convictions. You know, our culture continually drags us down...it diminishes the role of men in our families and propagates the myth that equality equals androgyny.

I will write more tomorrow after the conference.

I know we understand the concept that we are what we eat....we know (even if we don't follow it) that what we eat can make us healthy or unhealthy.

Do we realize the same think happens with us spiritually?

This really didn't sink in for me until last year. I spent a year without seeing magazines, TV shows, listening to popular music, etc.

I realized that much of what we ingest is poison. We don't see it in the small doses we've all become numb to, but it is poison none-the-less. What is the difference in a death by a thousand cuts or a death by a single blow. Both result in death!

As much as I try to fill my stomach with healthy food, I must also fill my mind with healthy material. Wish I had realized that 20 years ago! I might have been in a better place much sooner than 40...

Again, how do I impart any of these lessons to my children? How do I save them the pain of searching for the answers? How can I help them arrive at the answers sooner?

One for the record books

Well, today started out interestingly enough.

I woke up before my alarm with all three little children either in bed with us or trying to climb in. I think the youngest trying to climb in was what finally woke me for good.

At least we were in a hotel room and had a king sized bed. What a difference that makes when there are five people piled in there. Of course, I am on the side and my wife is on the same side with the entire bed to her back. Not that I mind that she wants to be close to me...after almost 17 years that is a wonderful thing, but there is still a ton of bed space unused, and the kids will soon outgrow trying to climb into bed with us, so why should we invest in a king sized bed for the house...but I am inherently frugal (cheap some say) and I digress.

I made the time to pause and pray my morning prayer. Some mornings when it is instantly hectic I don't take that time, but I have noticed that those mornings seem to get even more hectic.

So this morning I paused...to dedicate the day, and whatever came to the Lord.

Prayers complete...Deep breath...then it started.

My daughter left her school pants at home, so we had to drive home before school to pick them up. This threw off my morning time schedule. But, I have the Rosary on CD so we used that 20 minute ride back home to pray the rosary together. She gets the pants at the house (while I shovel the driveway...yes we had snow) and then we are off to school. She is looking through my CD collection in the car and notices two that I haven't opened yet. Both are from the Catholic motivational speaker Matthew Kelly.

I take that as a sign and start listening to "A Call to Joy" after I dropped her at school. I could really relate to the story as it unfolded.

Then it was back to the hotel to pick up my son to take him to his preschool. He proceeded to throw-up in the car. So, another detour...home to bathe him, wash his clothes and his car seat, etc. Luckily I have VPN so was able to get some work done while waiting at home for my wife to return.

So, I get into work (finally)...the morning was definitely not going according to my timeline.

Then I remember that I have a lunch meeting today and will not make it to mass. Now mind you, mass is normally the highlight of my day. My mother goes to daily mass, has for years...I used to think she was crazy for going everyday...isn't once a week enough?

But now that I am older, I hate going a day without mass...it centers my day, and as long as I can receive the Eucharist, I feel like I have accomplished something.

The day continues to fly along...not on my timeline...but I am still at peace.

Then I get the call from my wife that I have to drop everything to go pick up my daughter from school because her school bus is broken, hasn't left school yet, and they've had the kids on the bus for an hour.

So, "blow off" my meeting with my boss's boss...run to school...get my daughter...nicely file a complaint that they left the kids on the bus for an hour...rush back to work...walk into the aforementioned meeting late...back to the office and another meeting.

Then the snow starts really sticking and I make the call to cancel the church event for the evening.

So today did not at all go my way...but it didn't matter.

I started my day with prayer and focused on the opportunities for prayer I had throughout the day. Having to drive back to the house for my daughter's school pants would have really angered me a few years ago...but now I can look at it as an opportunity. A red light gives me an opportunity to finish a few more prayers, or another program on a CD...it is no longer an annoyance.

Starting my day with a few minutes of prayer, and trying to center my day on what I can do for God has made all of the difference in my inner peace and happiness level. I haven't felt this happy since I was in grade-school.

Now, how do I take those 40 years it took me to reach that level of inner peace, and condense and package it so my children can learn it in far fewer years without having to do all of the aimless wandering, and fruitless searching in all of the wrong places that I did?

Bedtime

Do you have challenges at bedtime?

"One more story dad...please...."

"One more hug....please...."

If these, or similar requests fill your evenings around tuck-in-time, well then I am not alone. My children seem to beseige me nightly for just a few more minutes of my time.

Am I a bad father for giving in? Should I be setting a better limit that bedtime is a hard and fast rule? Not that I am a slacker when it comes to discipline (ask my 20 y/o)...but I just have trouble not fulfilling their requests.

I wonder sometimes if it is because I deploy...and I feel guilty that I leave them for long periods of time, cause them stress, and have missed so much.

Does that guilt cause me to give in to easily when I should really be setting a limit? Kids do need limits afterall.

Or have I gained some insight from my time away, that many things in life really arene't that important...and the ones that are important should be cherished.

You could get a job as a middle manager!

Last weekend we visited with my folks.

It was nice to see them again. We both met in Albany, NY (half-way point), and enjoyed a weekend with the kids playing in the hotel pool, dining together, mass, and a day of walking around the local mall.

While we were in the mall, my dad and I were chatting about his latest retirement, his unfinished doctoral thesis, the volunteering he does now at the local hospital, how he has breakfast and a coffee at a local bakery, etc.

Then the conversation turned to me.

I have between 5 and 15 years left in the Army. Five more and I am eligible to retire and 15 more and they kick me out. So, my dad and I got to talking about my options upon retirement.

He told me that he was sure I could get hired to a position in middle management - since that was really what I was doing now.

Ouch!

I thought I was leading troops...being a Soldier...defending freedom...but in reality I am just a middle manager much like anyone else who has clawed their way into middle management (wasn't that an old Monster.com commercial?)

I don't see that as my inspiration in life. I still want to set the world on fire...I want to make a difference in the world!

Or am I looking at this wrong...is in not about me? Maybe it is about my children, and about what example I set for them and not about what I accomplish or don't. Maybe it is time to quit being selfish about "my" career and instead set my sights on being a fantastic father and husband.

If I make that my career goal...hmmm...that really makes me pause to think.

How about you? What do you prioritize? Are we all wrong? Would the world be a better place is we fathers placed our families first and didn't worry about chasing prestige, power, or more money and material possessions?

What really matters in life...stuff (that we can't take with us anyway), or the example we set for our children?

Is middle management the measure of my success? Or should my goal be that I set a good Christian example for my children to emulate?

I think I just answered my own question.

I want Mimi

So today, I pick up my son from his pre-school class.

He sees me and pitches a fit that he want his sister (Mimi) to pick him up.

That was hard. Usually, he runs to me screamming "Daddy" and gives me a big hug...but not so today.

That hurt.

Have you ever experienced that? When do you stop being Superman? When do you they stop looking up to you as a role model?

I know that I am not a father for a popularity contest, and that I need to chart the course for my kids...

But it still hurts to fall off the pedastal...

Daddy, why do you go off to war?

So tonight, my daughter asks me that through tears. Then she asks me if they "force" me to be in the Army. She can't quite understand why I would take a job that causes me to be separated from her.

I can't think of why I'd choose a career like that either.

"Daddy, what happens if you die at war?"

That was a tough one.

I told her that I'd be in heaven (at least I hope to be), and that she could always pray to me and that I would do my best to watch over her. I also told her that I would be preparing a place for her there in heaven, and that I would be waiting for her when her time came.

That seemed to relieve some of her distress.

That whole conversation just breaks my heart. How do I keep working at something that I know causes my family pain? Is it the right thing to do to "defend" the country? Are we really under attack anymore? What else could I be doing with my life? Do I have any other skills? What would I do if I get out of the military?

This has been my life now for the past 15+ years...but I am begining to wonder if I have 5 or 15 left.

At times like these I wonder if my father ever felt this way. He didn't say much when I was growing up...still doesn't now. Maybe I should ask him.

Did he ever second guess himself? Lay awake at night wondering if he was doing the right thing as a father?

How am I supposed to be the point man for my family when I am not even sure if we are on the right path?

Modern Dad

Sometimes I think better when I write...so bear with me as I ramble through some thoughts on fatherhood.

Fathers are vital to successful families, and for anyone to imply otherwise is reckless and misguided.

More to follow...