Travels with the Kids

So, I've spent the last 10 days on leave taking the kids to visit relatives and sightsee all over the New Haven area. It has been a blast so far (exept for some minor "fighting" when the kids are tired).

We took the train into NYC yesterday, and went to the American Girl Doll Place, St. Patrick's Cathedral, Toys R' Us, and the NYC public library. We ate hotdogs and pretzels from a street vendor and had gelato in Grand Central Station.

So I asked my kids what their favorite part of the day was...

One of them said, "I got to touch the dinosaur toe"...Toys R' Us had a giant T-Rex in the one section and it moved around and growled...she remembers touching his toe...that just killed me that out of the whole day...touching a toe was her highlight.

My other kids liked the American Girl Doll Place (of course), and shaking Spiderman's and Ironman's hands (another Toys R' Us event).

A wonderful day...it is just funny what kids remember.

Been a while

I know it has been a while...writing is harder than I thought :) As my wife says though, if you care about something you make time for it. She is right. So I guess I just need to care more!

I have been wondering lately if my kids would be alright with out me.

We lost some Soldiers recently, and they left behind children. I wonder what they would have wanted to tell their kids. I wonder what their kids would have liked to have said to their dads.

Do they have any regrets?

Will they overcome their grief? Or will it overwhelm them?

What is the difference between those who get on with life and those who slip into depression?

I worry about my kids.

Life is short and we don't know the time or the place.

Have I done enough?

Have I set the right example?

Do they know how much I love them?

Roadblocks

Wouldn't it be nice if life were a well paved road on which you could enjoy a nice smooth ride?

Why must the road be littered with potholes, detours, and roadblocks?

Are these all self-inflicted events? Or is there something out there trying to "get" us to make mistakes?

I can clearly see the direction in which I would like to travel. I can clearly see my destination. But the road between here and there is fraught with peril. Some is my own doing (like lack of proper maintenance), and some I did not anticipate (like a washed out bridge). Where will I get the strength to continue toward my destination despite the setbacks? Where will I get the funds for car repairs? How do I get the people riding with me to stay in the car and trust that I know what I am doing, and where I am going?

Now onto the more concrete thoughts...

My son has been testing me lately. He is talking more, which is a wonderful thing, but his increased vocabulary has been used thus far to express his displeasure with all things that don't feed his immediate desires.

He "doesn't like that"!

I am going to need to plan more time in each activity, each day, each event to plan for the seemingly inevitable meltdown that occurs when he doesn't get his way.

I need to remember to say a little prayer, take a deep breath and understand that I can't control his reactions, but I can control mine; and as his father, I need to be the one to set the example for him to follow.

Easier said than done.

Pray for me.

The Playset

Well, today is the first day of spring! And what better way to ring in the season than by putting up the playset in the backyard.

I had taken the set down last fall in anticipation of a move (which didn't happen)...and I left the set disassembled through the winter because no one was going to use it anyway.

So, yesterday afternoon I trapsed the kids off to Sears to buy some power tool accessories! Last fall I used all hand tools to take the playset apart...it took me two days!

This is no child's playset mind you...when my wife sets her mind to something it is quality...so this is a large wooden playset capable of handling adults swinging on it.

So, using a screw driver to pull out all of the screws and a ratchet to pull out the bolts was a tedious matter.

Today was a pleasure! I used my drill, with the adaptor bits to easily assemble the set. Of course I had some help from my wife and kids...parts of this set are just heavy, and as much as I like to be "the man", I have to admit my limitations.

So it is done...my daughters took the inaugural slide of the season, and so it has begun. Now they'll play outside more, run around more, and hopefully be happy and healthy as we head into summer.

The Birthday Party

So today, we attend a birthday party...and as luck would have it the party is at the local YMCA.

It is a gymnastics party, which means the kids get to run around for an hour before they eat cake. Great idea!

So my wife and I go with the three little kids and we have a BLAST!!! We're on the balance beam, the tumble track, the foam pit, the uneven bars...now mind you, we are not gymnasts, and we are both over 40...but you wouldn't have known it by our enthusiastic performance. I am not sure who had more fun...us or the kids...

We must definitely return to "open" gym time and play again. The kids had such a good time too, playing with us, chasing us around and "showing off" their skills at cartwheels and bridges.

We were the only parents in the foam pit though, and the only ones running around like banshees with the kids. When did we adults stop playing? Come to think of it, I don't remember my parents ever doing stuff like that with us.

Is something wrong with me? Or is it society that norms us into sitting on the sidelines watching the kids have a good time?

In fact, I am thinking that I know where our next date might be...

Forever Young

I called my family this morning (yes I am away again), and my wife told me about a "plot" my children were hatching. They're 7,5, & 3 mind you.

They are planning on "scaring" me when I come home tomorrow. They're going to wait up, hide, and scare me when I get there.

Where do they come up with this stuff?

I have been laughing to myself all day long! I can picture the three of them, hiding in the closet and jumping out at me...and I can't stop laughing when I picture that. Almost makes me want to be the "Catcher in the Rye", and keep them at this age forever.

I start feeling melancholy when I think of them getting older.

I also have a 20 y/o so I have some comparison with which to relate.

It's like I can see what is coming for them and it makes me sad. Not that I am not proud of my oldest, but watching the struggles that go along with adulthood, and wondering if I've prepared them properly and praying they choose the right path...

Can't they stay young and innocent forever?

Close encounter with the homeless

Today was a day of days!

If anyone reads this post, know that it is not a boast as I do not seek to build up treasure for myself here on earth...what happened today was truly the work of Christ.

I am also writing this blog because I find it easier to write than to talk sometimes (I am introverted), and I need to get this down on paper. This is really me having a conversation with myself, rather than telling a friend about what happened.

I had to take a business trip this morning, and so I was awake at 0315 to take a 0600 flight. I flew into Dulles to catch a 0730 flight. Well, that didn't happen. The flight was delayed for 30 minutes, then another 30, then 45 more, etc...until we ended up with an extra 4 hours on the ground.

But I wasn't in the least bit upset. I had prayed the Rosary on the way to the airport, and then prayed the "Morning Hours" while on the flight.

I was calm. My day was going well so far since it was centered on God.

And, truth be told I was feeling a little bit smug since I had managed to pray early...so I gave the day up to God. Haha, I thought...what a good Christian am I!

I used the 4 hours on the ground to read all of "Be a Man", by Fr. Larry Richards. I recommend it to all the men in your life. It was motivating, challenging and thought provoking...all with the aim of making you a better Christian Man. What could be better than that? Besides, Fr. Larry challenged us in the book to give our days over to God...not our will but "thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." Besides, praying everyday has really brought me peace...imagine what more I'll be getting now that I am "giving the day up to God"! {Whoo...I can hardly wait!}

I got to my business location with plenty of daylight to "recon" the area.

As I was pulling in to my morning meeting location, I noticed a homeless person on the corner in front of a Ruby Tuesday's. It was a busy intersection, and seemed odd since there weren't any other homeless folks to be seen nearby. It has been my experience (namely El Paso and Washington DC), that you often see each street corner with someone else begging on it. Little did I know what God had in store for me since I had finally (in 40 years) asked him what he wanted from me...what was "His" will today?

Now, I have a weakness (well one of many). I am very judgmental. I often blame a person who is homeless for making poor choices in life and thus getting what they deserve.

But looking at this old guy bothered me. I drove around a bit more, but kept coming back to the thought of this old guy on the corner and how I REALLY ought to act if I were a Christian. I like to say I am...I pray...but what have I done? Talk is cheap, afterall.

What would Christ have done? What would he want me to do? I thought about the Song of St. Francis "Make me a channel of your peace".

I eventually pulled into the Ruby Tuesday's parking lot and paused for a moment. I know I needed to talk to this guy...but I was afraid. What would I say? I am an introvert by nature. I have a hard enough time talking to people I know! Besides, what would people think if they saw me chatting with a "bum" on the corner? Then again who cares? What would Christ think if I ignored him?

But I felt the Lord calling me, so I turned off the car, said a prayer, got out and walked over to him.

Only, it wasn't a man. It was a woman who looked to be in her 60s as I got closer. My heart was racing...I had no idea what I would say...

So, I said "hello". I asked if there was something I could get for her...was she hungry? Thirst?

She said no, someone had just given her something go eat.

I have never been willing to give people money...didn't want them to waste it...but I had to overcome that prejudice...Jesus was asking me to (yes, there is a danger in giving your day up to the Lord...if you really tell him you want to follow him...he'll ask you to :)

I asked her what she needed, and she said she was homeless...that the shelters don't let you stay very long until you need to leave for a few days.

I told her I couldn't give her a home, but I handed her $10 and told her that was for her next meal...and that I wished I could do more. She started to cry and thanked me. I started to cry too, said good-bye and walked away.

I drove off to look for a church...I needed some time to pray. $10 didn't seem like "crap" to give a woman who had nothing. What kind of coward was I?

I had my wife's GPS with me...so I tried to find a Catholic Church to spend some time with the Blessed Sacrament and ask for some more guidance since I felt like I had failed miserable in my first attempt. This was the first time in my life I have ever spoken with someone who was homeless...I know...pretty pathetic for someone pretending to follow Christ.

Well...the trusty GPS took me to a strip mall, but no church. Across the street, however, were a couple of motels...Budget and a Super 8. I could feel the Holy Spirit moving me, so I drove back to where the woman was.

I knew my wife would think I was crazy, but I was going to pay for this woman's hotel room until she was able to get back to the shelter. I figured it was the least I could do, and we who are so blessed are obligated to feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, etc.

I pulled back into Ruby Tuesday's, shut off the car, said a prayer and walked back out to her.

Only this time, I asked the Holy Spirit to speak through me, since obviously I wasn't any good on my own.

I said, "hey! I'm back!"...I told her that I wanted to put her up in a hotel, if she'd be willing, until she could get back to the shelter. She asked if there were strings attached...I told her no...it was only by the grace of God that I wasn't without a home, and I that I just wanted her to have a place to rest for a couple of days.

She hesitated, and politely declined my offer.

I introduced myself and asked her what her name was..."Leigh", she said.

We chatted for a few minutes about her life, and then I asked her again if I could find her shelter, or get her anything else.

"No, nothing", she said.

I said goodbye again, and she said "God Bless You"..."most people never even stop to talk to me, or understand how hard this is. I never wanted to end up this way."

I left and knew I had to do something for her...even is she was too proud to accept much more than small handouts.

I drove to Walmart. I figured a gift card would be a good idea...then she could get whatever she needed.

I bought her an Easter card too. It took me a long time to find the right one. What sort of card to do give to someone who's homeless? Happy Easter! Hope the Bunny is Good to You??!? When did Easter Cards become so meaningless? Where have I been?

I finally found one that I thought said what she needed to hear (OK...truth be told the Holy Spirit chose it not me) and I wrote a note in there for her.

I bought 2x$50 gift cards and put them in the card.

I drove back to Ruby Tuesday's...but Leigh was gone.

I panicked...but then I saw her at the strip mall (behind the restaurant)...I drove up to her and said, "Leigh, I am not crazy, and I am not stalking you...(although I am sure she was beginning to wonder)...but I have something for you. I know you didn't want to ask me for anything, but I can see that you are in need. So, please take this...it is not from me but from Jesus. He asked me to give it to you."

I couldn't believe I was saying that...but it felt like it wasn't me who was speaking...and it seemed like it was what she needed to hear...she started to cry again (as did I)...she told me to take care of myself and that Jesus was keeping a place for me in heaven...I told her that he was keeping one for her as well.

Then she turned and walked away.

How many days have I wasted my life by being selfish? How many times have I not seen Jesus in those around me?

Lord forgive me for being so blind.

Lord help me to be a better man.

Where the Wild Things Are

I just finished watching the movie version of "Where the Wild Things Are" with my kids.

I was left feeling a little empty.

I was expecting more of the book in the movie. At least the company and the popcorn were good!

But that is how it goes doesn't it? When we have an expectation that isn't lived up to in reality.

So, it's gotten me thinking...were are the "Wild Things" in my life? What are those things I don't want to let go of, but really aren't good for me? What bad habits do I hang on to because I just don't want to change?

Is there anything you'd like to change that you've been putting off, or know that you should but just can't seem to?

For me, the issue generally revolves around food...I love to eat, and most of the time eat way too much. I have to learn to be disciplined. There is a reason that gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins! I ought to post the list of the seven on my bathroom mirror! That might help me set a better example by knowing what to avoid during the day...LOL!

What is the worst deadly sin?

Fantasy Football

Tonight after Supper the kids and I played some football in the living room. It was a hoot! Now that is my idea of fun.

Now, you must understand that that the football we play is a very "modified" version of the event. I run around on my knees while the kids all "tackle" me. The living room is only a 10x12 room...not exactly a huge maneuver area :)

It is a wonderful way to rough-house with the kids and burn off some energy. There is definitely something wonderful about interacting with the kids that way...warms my heart just thinking about it.

Dad's need to be "physical" with their kids...they need that. This is one of the things that Dads are good at, and one of the reasons why they are needed in their kids lives.

Years ago, Dads used to teach their sons a skill. Their boys would learn the family trade (whatever that was). Dads spent time with their sons teaching them, and showing them how to be a man.

That is missing today...we delegate our Fatherly duties to the school system and to a culture which seeks to denigrate the role of males and seeks to create an androgynous society.

And we wonder why we have problems.

Dads...we need to start acting like men again...being the Father figure our kids need and being the sort of husbands our wives deserve.

Only then will we start to correct some of the social ills we're plagued by.

Stormy Seas

For me, it is always easy to be Christian when things are going well. It is easy to remain calm when the situations around us are calm.

How do you stay calm in the midst of a tempest?

There in for me lies a tremendous challenge. How do I keep control of my emotions, my anger and my dark side when I am in the midst of a storm? How do I continue to chart the course? For if the captain of the ship gives in to panic, well then all is certainly lost.

Today, in the midst of a particular storm, I quietly said a pray to our Lady. A simple "Hail Mary", that as my mother she would intercede on my behalf and wrap her loving arms around me. Help me to be the peacemaker in the situation and not additional kindling.

There was a time when I would have fought anger with anger, and been selfish and arrogant (and yes, I know I can still be both). But, I do feel much more inner calm now, and the ability to better weather the storms. The seas are still rough, but the sea sickness is gone.

On a more upbeat note, I read an interesting article in the paper today. It was by Leon Pitts, Jr. of the Miami Herald. I don't usually agree with his position...he tends to be morally relativistic and liberal...neither fitting my beliefs.

But today he was spot on in his discussion on Men and Fatherhood. He wrote about the role of men in the family, and how modern society has done its best to eradicate it. About how society has defined equality as men and women being interchangeable...nothing could be further from the truth. Mr. Pitts wrote about how his son had gone out in a snow storm for diapers and baby food. Mr. Pitts was impressed about how his son had turned into a man, about how a father's role was to take care of his family, about how men are needed. Fathers are needed.

Mr. Pitts...you are spot on.

I have copied it here...

By LEONARD PITTS JR.
lpitts@MiamiHerald.com

``... And -- which is more -- you'll be a man, my son!'' -- from ``If'' by Rudyard Kipling

Lena had a fever.

It had spiked to 104 degrees and brought with it seizures, spasms of movement that terrified her parents. They called 911.

But paramedics could not reach their door; the epic blizzard raking greater Washington, had rendered their hillside street impassable. So Lena's parents bundled her up and walked her down. They rode with her in the ambulance through a city leached of color -- no more vibrant reds, blues or greens, just the stark gray of the sky and the brilliant white of the snow.

Snow changes the world. It muffles sound, softens hard angles into graceful curves, drives people inside. Snow imposes a stillness. As they crossed this desolate new landscape, Lena's parents had plenty of time to worry.

Thankfully, doctors were able to bring the fever down. But then, Lena's parents realized a new problem; they were stranded at the hospital in a city that had ceased to move. Worse, they were stranded without diapers and baby food that, in their rush, they had left at home. Nor could they borrow any from the hospital, which said its own supplies were low. So Lena's father had just one option.

I happened to catch him on his cellphone a few minutes later. His breathing was ragged, and I asked him what was wrong. He said he was hiking through the storm -- it was a mile or two to the nearest store, the snow drifts already up to his knees -- hoping it would be open and that it would have diapers and baby food for his 11-month-old daughter.

I have seldom been prouder of any of my children than I was in that moment of my first-born son.

Meaning of manhood

We -- and here, I mean both he and I as father and son and you and I as a society -- have talked a lot in recent years about the meaning of manhood in an era of women ascendant and cracked glass ceilings. Some of us insist that meaning is found in a man's toughness, his imperviousness to slings and arrows and feelings like pain or love. Some believe it is found in a man's violence, his capacity to hit and kick with force, to shield and defend what matters to him. Some argue that it is found in a man's strength, his ability to lift and carry, to push and to break.

I've always felt none of those things matters unless they are in service to something that matters more. Like going for diapers in a horizontal snow.

I don't mean to mythologize or overpraise something that is, after all, just a father's duty. But it is hard not to feel a certain satisfaction when I consider how many fathers fail that duty, having been liberated from obligation by social mores that exact no price from the man who plants a garden, then disappears before the first sprouts show.

And when I wonder how many women were slogging through that same snowstorm, having bought into the lie that holds fathers as optional parents who contribute nothing to the family a determined woman can't replicate.

Owning up to responsibility

And when I remember the times I preached exasperated sermons to that same son for posturing and preening like something he saw in a rap video, walking with an unearned swagger and acting as if this made him a man. Growing older has changed him. Lena, I think, has changed him more. Owning responsibility for that vulnerable little life has forced him to reconsider manhood itself.

We used to have a saying: It takes a man to make a baby. I'm beginning to think that, at least for some of us, the opposite is true: It takes a baby to make a man.

Lena, by the way, is doing fine. I saw her the other day and, as usual, she climbed on me like a jungle gym. Then my son walked into the room and held out his arms. Lena forgot all about me. She grinned, both teeth on full display, and reached up for her dad.

Ignite 2010 - Wow!

Wow!

That is all I can say about today. Ignite 2010 was awesome! We had about 1,000 men there today. It was awe inspiring! I wish I were going to be here next year so I could attend again. We need more of that from the pulpit on Sundays, we need more of that from the church. Then again, we are called to action, so we men must be the ones who more it forward.

We started the day with Mass (celebrated by Rev. Robert J. Cunningham, Bishop of Syracuse), followed by a talk from Fr. Larry Richards. He was just what the doctor ordered. I bought a copy of his book called, "Be A Man". His talk was motivating, challenging, and a call to action! It was right up my alley with the discussion of the role of men in society, and how we need to stand up and truly set the example for our family to follow.

Then we had confession...I think almost every man in there went to confession. Wow, again! We wouldn't need 1/2 the psychiatrists we have if people went to confession on a regular basis...it was incredibly cathartic and humbling. I felt like my soul had a really good shower.

Then we had two more quest speakers, Jesse Romero and Sean Forrest. Both were awesome and inspiring as well.

Now I have some homework to do. Live the life for JOY "Jesus, Others, You"

I need to act so as to earn the trust and respect of my wife....God, Wife, Children, Others...in that order. Not Work, Self, God, Wife, Children.

I need to get a good copy of a Catholic Bible I can start carrying with me.
I need to write letters to those I love letting them know that I love them.
I need to "Be A Man" and stand up for what is right...set the example for my family.
I need to defend my family from the evil one.

And if that is not enough...I am still dealing with all of the failings and baggage I left with before the conference.

I am fired up now...but I still have lots of things to "fix" before I move forward.

My oldest is going to be my sharpening stone for my sword drills...she asks some fantastic questions, to which I do not have all of the answers. If someone has those answers, please send them to me. I know the Church has all of the answers, but getting to them rapidly can be difficult at times. I think they need a website with more data, more easily accessible.

But I digress...

Am I pointing her in the right direction? How do I help her to Christ? Isn't that what I am called to do as a Christian Father? How can I fail at my most basic task and still deserve to be called Father?

Ignite 2010

Today went well again! Of course I started the day with a prayer and managed to squeeze in a couple of Rosaries...always helps. I have definitely noticed that if I take time for God in the morning, and center my day on making it all a prayer offering to God, that everything seems to go according to a plan and I do not end up getting stress or "wrapped around the axle" about it.

Tomorrow is the Syracuse area Catholic Men's conference. I am very excited about going! It will be nice to be surrounded by other men who share my values, faith and convictions. You know, our culture continually drags us down...it diminishes the role of men in our families and propagates the myth that equality equals androgyny.

I will write more tomorrow after the conference.

I know we understand the concept that we are what we eat....we know (even if we don't follow it) that what we eat can make us healthy or unhealthy.

Do we realize the same think happens with us spiritually?

This really didn't sink in for me until last year. I spent a year without seeing magazines, TV shows, listening to popular music, etc.

I realized that much of what we ingest is poison. We don't see it in the small doses we've all become numb to, but it is poison none-the-less. What is the difference in a death by a thousand cuts or a death by a single blow. Both result in death!

As much as I try to fill my stomach with healthy food, I must also fill my mind with healthy material. Wish I had realized that 20 years ago! I might have been in a better place much sooner than 40...

Again, how do I impart any of these lessons to my children? How do I save them the pain of searching for the answers? How can I help them arrive at the answers sooner?

One for the record books

Well, today started out interestingly enough.

I woke up before my alarm with all three little children either in bed with us or trying to climb in. I think the youngest trying to climb in was what finally woke me for good.

At least we were in a hotel room and had a king sized bed. What a difference that makes when there are five people piled in there. Of course, I am on the side and my wife is on the same side with the entire bed to her back. Not that I mind that she wants to be close to me...after almost 17 years that is a wonderful thing, but there is still a ton of bed space unused, and the kids will soon outgrow trying to climb into bed with us, so why should we invest in a king sized bed for the house...but I am inherently frugal (cheap some say) and I digress.

I made the time to pause and pray my morning prayer. Some mornings when it is instantly hectic I don't take that time, but I have noticed that those mornings seem to get even more hectic.

So this morning I paused...to dedicate the day, and whatever came to the Lord.

Prayers complete...Deep breath...then it started.

My daughter left her school pants at home, so we had to drive home before school to pick them up. This threw off my morning time schedule. But, I have the Rosary on CD so we used that 20 minute ride back home to pray the rosary together. She gets the pants at the house (while I shovel the driveway...yes we had snow) and then we are off to school. She is looking through my CD collection in the car and notices two that I haven't opened yet. Both are from the Catholic motivational speaker Matthew Kelly.

I take that as a sign and start listening to "A Call to Joy" after I dropped her at school. I could really relate to the story as it unfolded.

Then it was back to the hotel to pick up my son to take him to his preschool. He proceeded to throw-up in the car. So, another detour...home to bathe him, wash his clothes and his car seat, etc. Luckily I have VPN so was able to get some work done while waiting at home for my wife to return.

So, I get into work (finally)...the morning was definitely not going according to my timeline.

Then I remember that I have a lunch meeting today and will not make it to mass. Now mind you, mass is normally the highlight of my day. My mother goes to daily mass, has for years...I used to think she was crazy for going everyday...isn't once a week enough?

But now that I am older, I hate going a day without mass...it centers my day, and as long as I can receive the Eucharist, I feel like I have accomplished something.

The day continues to fly along...not on my timeline...but I am still at peace.

Then I get the call from my wife that I have to drop everything to go pick up my daughter from school because her school bus is broken, hasn't left school yet, and they've had the kids on the bus for an hour.

So, "blow off" my meeting with my boss's boss...run to school...get my daughter...nicely file a complaint that they left the kids on the bus for an hour...rush back to work...walk into the aforementioned meeting late...back to the office and another meeting.

Then the snow starts really sticking and I make the call to cancel the church event for the evening.

So today did not at all go my way...but it didn't matter.

I started my day with prayer and focused on the opportunities for prayer I had throughout the day. Having to drive back to the house for my daughter's school pants would have really angered me a few years ago...but now I can look at it as an opportunity. A red light gives me an opportunity to finish a few more prayers, or another program on a CD...it is no longer an annoyance.

Starting my day with a few minutes of prayer, and trying to center my day on what I can do for God has made all of the difference in my inner peace and happiness level. I haven't felt this happy since I was in grade-school.

Now, how do I take those 40 years it took me to reach that level of inner peace, and condense and package it so my children can learn it in far fewer years without having to do all of the aimless wandering, and fruitless searching in all of the wrong places that I did?

Bedtime

Do you have challenges at bedtime?

"One more story dad...please...."

"One more hug....please...."

If these, or similar requests fill your evenings around tuck-in-time, well then I am not alone. My children seem to beseige me nightly for just a few more minutes of my time.

Am I a bad father for giving in? Should I be setting a better limit that bedtime is a hard and fast rule? Not that I am a slacker when it comes to discipline (ask my 20 y/o)...but I just have trouble not fulfilling their requests.

I wonder sometimes if it is because I deploy...and I feel guilty that I leave them for long periods of time, cause them stress, and have missed so much.

Does that guilt cause me to give in to easily when I should really be setting a limit? Kids do need limits afterall.

Or have I gained some insight from my time away, that many things in life really arene't that important...and the ones that are important should be cherished.

You could get a job as a middle manager!

Last weekend we visited with my folks.

It was nice to see them again. We both met in Albany, NY (half-way point), and enjoyed a weekend with the kids playing in the hotel pool, dining together, mass, and a day of walking around the local mall.

While we were in the mall, my dad and I were chatting about his latest retirement, his unfinished doctoral thesis, the volunteering he does now at the local hospital, how he has breakfast and a coffee at a local bakery, etc.

Then the conversation turned to me.

I have between 5 and 15 years left in the Army. Five more and I am eligible to retire and 15 more and they kick me out. So, my dad and I got to talking about my options upon retirement.

He told me that he was sure I could get hired to a position in middle management - since that was really what I was doing now.

Ouch!

I thought I was leading troops...being a Soldier...defending freedom...but in reality I am just a middle manager much like anyone else who has clawed their way into middle management (wasn't that an old Monster.com commercial?)

I don't see that as my inspiration in life. I still want to set the world on fire...I want to make a difference in the world!

Or am I looking at this wrong...is in not about me? Maybe it is about my children, and about what example I set for them and not about what I accomplish or don't. Maybe it is time to quit being selfish about "my" career and instead set my sights on being a fantastic father and husband.

If I make that my career goal...hmmm...that really makes me pause to think.

How about you? What do you prioritize? Are we all wrong? Would the world be a better place is we fathers placed our families first and didn't worry about chasing prestige, power, or more money and material possessions?

What really matters in life...stuff (that we can't take with us anyway), or the example we set for our children?

Is middle management the measure of my success? Or should my goal be that I set a good Christian example for my children to emulate?

I think I just answered my own question.

I want Mimi

So today, I pick up my son from his pre-school class.

He sees me and pitches a fit that he want his sister (Mimi) to pick him up.

That was hard. Usually, he runs to me screamming "Daddy" and gives me a big hug...but not so today.

That hurt.

Have you ever experienced that? When do you stop being Superman? When do you they stop looking up to you as a role model?

I know that I am not a father for a popularity contest, and that I need to chart the course for my kids...

But it still hurts to fall off the pedastal...

Daddy, why do you go off to war?

So tonight, my daughter asks me that through tears. Then she asks me if they "force" me to be in the Army. She can't quite understand why I would take a job that causes me to be separated from her.

I can't think of why I'd choose a career like that either.

"Daddy, what happens if you die at war?"

That was a tough one.

I told her that I'd be in heaven (at least I hope to be), and that she could always pray to me and that I would do my best to watch over her. I also told her that I would be preparing a place for her there in heaven, and that I would be waiting for her when her time came.

That seemed to relieve some of her distress.

That whole conversation just breaks my heart. How do I keep working at something that I know causes my family pain? Is it the right thing to do to "defend" the country? Are we really under attack anymore? What else could I be doing with my life? Do I have any other skills? What would I do if I get out of the military?

This has been my life now for the past 15+ years...but I am begining to wonder if I have 5 or 15 left.

At times like these I wonder if my father ever felt this way. He didn't say much when I was growing up...still doesn't now. Maybe I should ask him.

Did he ever second guess himself? Lay awake at night wondering if he was doing the right thing as a father?

How am I supposed to be the point man for my family when I am not even sure if we are on the right path?

Modern Dad

Sometimes I think better when I write...so bear with me as I ramble through some thoughts on fatherhood.

Fathers are vital to successful families, and for anyone to imply otherwise is reckless and misguided.

More to follow...